SEO.com employee dies after catching glimpse of Google algorithm

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April 1, 2011

GOOGLEPLEX– An attempt by an SEO technician to obtain the coveted Google search algorithm has ended in tragedy. It is believed that John Cerchingin, a former SEO specialist at Utah-based SEO.com, died this week after catching a glimpse of the code.

Cerchingin was pronounced dead at the scene.

Obtaining the algorithm had become the man’s obsession, said Ash Buckles, president of SEO.com.

“It’s the Holy Grail of SEO,” Buckles said about the code. “Obviously, the firm that obtains the algorithm first will propel all of their clients to the top of the search results with ease. Other SEO companies would find it difficult to compete.”

SEO geeks everywhere have sought the algorithm for years. Google uses the code to determine which sites rank highest during online searches.

SEO specialists have sacrificed lots in their attempts to obtain the algorithm. But until now the quest hadn’t claimed any lives.

Before Cerchingin, nobody searching for the algorithm made it farther than the Googleplex guard shack. However, video has surfaced on You Tube showing Cerchingin deep inside the Internet giant’s Silicon Valley headquarters.

“This is it,” Cerchingin said on the video. “Matt Cutts said no SEO firm would ever obtain the algorithm … Google has finally met its match.”

Cutts is Google’s search engine optimization expert.

On the video, Cerchingin is inside a storage closet. He appears to be alone shooting the film himself.

“I am inside the bowels of the devil,” he said softly.

Cerchingin explained that he entered Google headquarters from the roof. The video showed where ceiling tiles were removed, allowing him access to the closet.

“Who knew that the algorithm was stored in a shabby broom room,” Cerchingin said.

The plan unraveled when Cerchingin connected to equipment in the closet. Excited to finally obtain the algorithm, the SEO technician can be seen briefly at the end of the film hunched over near the suspected algorithm after the camera is overcome by a flash of light.

The authorities said the results from an autopsy may not be available for several weeks.

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13 Comments

  1. Andrew Johnson says

    Here’s the problem: he should have been searching for a man named Al Gorithm in accounting. He’s on the 3rd floor. He helped me with my calculus homework.

  2. Rotten Elf says

    The same fate happened to a dear friend of mine trying to get ahold of Craig’s List last year. He thought that if he had Craig’s List, he would have a monopoly on every job, every garage sale and every “intimate encounter” in the United States. All he could say for weeks before the accident was “Craig won’t know what hit him” or “I’ll get his list, just like I got Santa’s list in 88″. He was obsessed. And now he is gone. But……he almost had it. He was so close, but flaggers flagged him down and beat the life out of him with their flags.

  3. Jeff says

    ‘whose brain DID you get…..?
    ‘Abbey someone’
    ‘Abbey Someone?…’ ‘Abbey who?’
    ‘Abbey Normal I believe it was…….’

  4. Brad says

    Not sure why everyone is so sad about this. I mean, companies die out there all the time in the name of “good business.” When you’re the best you have to be innovative, and what’s more innovative than death…hmm Sorry Cerch, I guess you had to go.

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