The Waggish 10 Step SEO Guide to Finding the Success and Prestige of a Spammer

People often ask me, “Jeff, how can I become a spammer?”  I don’t know why.  I wish they’d stop.  The following guide is for them (see exhibit A).  The rest of you should consider doing the opposite.
spammer
Step 1. Forget website mission, goals, and long term growth.
Embrace deception, egotism, and the soul-less pursuit of any and all internet traffic.  Go for the quick victory.  If you don’t have a website mission, goal or plans for long term growth, this is ok.  These things only breed trust and honest success.  As a spammer, you want only one thing: to ensnare your traffic.  Don’t worry about what THEY want, or what they may be looking for.  Feel free to refer to them as “victims.”

Step 2. When someone says gray-hat, jump right in.
Nothing says “spammer” quite like lurking in the gray regions of questionable SEO tactics.  When things go black, blame Google, and then search for some more quick-and-easy gray-hat stuff to recover.

Step 3. Create many pages with the same content.
This makes your little site look sooooooo big.  And Google LOVES this.  When they find it, they will eat it up, and you will never see your pages show up in the SERPs again.  (But you’re a spammer; this is just a hazard of the job.)

Step 4. Stay away from linking to sites with similar subject matter as your own.
Having links between sites that have content relevant to each other runs the risk of being useful, or generating a wealth of knowledge and community.  Find sites that have nothing to do with you.  Which also leads us to…

Step 5. Give links to and get links from questionable sites.
At least when your friends, family, and customers abandon you for a more trustworthy and relevant side of the internet, you’ll have the icy embrace of your fellow spammers and their auto-script henchmen (or henchwomen), all offering online casinos, fake university degrees, cheap generic pills and oh so much more.

Step 6. Leave the worst comments possible on blogs.
These can range from anything like “nice post” to “asethxaekf;asi”.  Avoid giving substance or thought-provoking comments, spend as little time on the blog as is humanly possible, and never return.  You just want that link back to your site.  Remember that concepts like “substantial” and “thought-provoking” are like a poison that can lead to the twin diseases “interesting” and “worthwhile”.

Step 7. Stuff your content full of those juicy keywords.
If you want to be a spammer, completely ignore Nathan’s earlier post about keyword stuffing.  He’s trying to teach you how to succeed go soft.  Instead, don’t hold back, even when it makes the content unreadable.  It’s a given that if you mention the word “puppies” a million times in your 300 word content, Google will HAVE to assume that your site is more about puppies than anyone else’s.  Better yet, copy those Harry Potter books, placing the word puppies at 3-4 word intervals.  Not only will Google know your site is about puppies, but it will also think you are a best-seller.

Step 8. Create numerous profiles on Social Media sites to up-vote your site content.
Not only will you get to feel the pride of moving to the top of the social network and gain the prestige and admiration of peers who have usernames like jeffxx, xjeffx, jeffthex, jeffxcx, 1jxff1, but think how many people you can disappoint when they mistake your content as “worthwhile” and visit.  Be prepared to have a good defense when allegations appear that your article is the first chapter of “Sorcerer’s Stone” with puppies replacing all the major characters.

Step 9. Buy dofollow Links.
This is also known as “buying page rank” or “throwing rocks at Google’s face”.

Step 10. Remember that hard work is hard.
So go the easy routes, take the shortcuts, and avoid things that can make a great experience for internet users.  After all, you’re just in this for the greens.  Make some quick money and disappear from memory.  When the low-hanging fruit is all picked, gather the sour-smelling stuff on the ground.


FINAL NOTE:

Being a spammer is a lot like peddling rotten fruit to an orphanage of the blind.  You have no self-respect, and you smell like what you sell.  If you’re ok with that, then keep it up.  If you’re not ok with being a spammer, you should probably do the opposite of this 10 step guide. Snuggle up to a fire with your computer, and spend some intimate time with the SEO.com blog for legitimate search engine optimization tips.  And if you don’t know where to start, well, we’re more than happy to help.  We’re the ones with the sweet-smelling soaps.

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5 Comments

  1. Derek Kean says

    I feel almost bad posting a comment on this, but it does strike a key note- spammers are a hilarious breed of what should be classified in the i-darwin awards. “We’re the ones with the sweet-smelling soaps”- It’s like you live next door. Very funny Jeff.

    -Derek

  2. Dave says

    Agree with most of your points here but there are some issues with duplicate content with things like ecommerce sites that are quite difficult to avoid no ?

  3. Tony says

    Yes definitely now keyword density should be looked at more % wise for every new site that is developed, although there still does seem to be a lot of people employing these tactics still ranking very high in certain niches

  4. Frank Leonhardt says

    Some amusing and accurate observations on the mentality of spammers there, but the racially stereotyped picture of a spammers you’re using (and others are linking to) is not only highly inaccurate and likely to be offensive. It is possible, if politically incorrect, to profile them based on IP and email addresses (see website link). On English web sites, where it’s not a spambot but a real person, they tend to operate out of Eastern Europe. Okay, you might suspect that given the frequently broken English but I also have statistics to back it up. And the majority use hotmail when they’re required to register first and gmail when they’re not having to retrieve a registration link.

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